This Ain’t No Boating Accident

This ain’t no tv game show

We won’t be back after some brief message

You won’t need no pain relief

Don’t bother getting up for another beer

this ain’t no traffic incident

oh, we’re way past the last exit ever

go ahead and drink and drive

no need to watch the gas gauge

this ain’t no office party

don’t need no burgers, chips or beer

forget about the sexy secretaries

go ahead and wax your boss

this ain’t no tango lesson

you won’t step on no one’s feet

don’t worry about your shoes

for this will cure that loneliness

this ain’t no drinking binge

don’t bother to swear off again

there won’t be nothing you can’t remember

you’ll never have another hangover

this ain’t no clearance sale

you can’t save no extra money

you can just ignore them newer ads

you got much more than you’ll need

this ain’t no dream vacation

don’t try and fit in that new bikini

you might as well kick way back

the flight home never can arrive

this ain’t no midnight snack

you don’t need to hold the anchovies

you won’t get gas in the night

you can’t gain no more weight

this ain’t no boating accident

jesus ain’t tossing you no lifeline

you can’t drown and you can’t swim

you can’t breathe the air or the water

this ain’t no household chore

you can’t hide out in the garage

there’s nobody gonna nag you

there ain’t no mess to be cleaned up

this ain’t no bible study group

that red ribbon won’t hold your place

you ain’t got a psalm to stand on

you won’t testify in the void

this ain’t no boring family picnic

they won’t pass you jello salad

don’t have to kiss some aunt’s hairy chin

they won’t even have to leave you alone

this ain’t no gambling junket

you don’t need to find a stake

forget about free meals in deluxe hotel suites

you ain’t the one who holds the dice

this ain’t no old folks home

don’t try to stay awake for the kids

you don’t need to roll outside

they’ll come get you in your bed

this ain’t no petty insult

don’t get all like quiet and pissy

no need to act like we’re not here

you won’t know you’re all alone

this ain’t no drug support group

it don’t matter if you’re clean and sober

there ain’t another day to take one at a time

don’t have to introduce yourself as an abuser

this ain’t no friggin camping trip

won’t be roasting any weenies

don’t worry about the sleeping bags

don’t even be afraid of the bears

this ain’t no weekly department meeting

don’t bother fabricating any fairytales

can’t use no visual aids

sucking up ain’t gonna help

this ain’t no kiddies bad dream

you can’t hide beneath the covers

nobody’s gonna come when you cry

the monster’s finally gonna get you

this ain’t no benefit dinner

they won’t seek a financial commitment

you won’t be eatin any rubber chicken

not gonna listen to no inspiring speakers

this ain’t no anger management class

we ain’t sorting out your issues

no need to be aware of your body’s signals

you won’t rage and scream or shout no more

this ain’t no construction detour

you ain’t getting back on the freeway

don’t even look for no street signs

it’s gotten way too dark to read

this ain’t no gaming getaway

you won’t need your extra credit card

it’s all going on your tab

you got nothing anybody wants no more

this ain’t no sports report

it’s all about your failing vital signs

it’s almost time for kick off

just maybe you could lift your head

this ain’t no Baptist revival

brother, you can’t hear Him call

judgment day’s been postponed for good

and jesus don’t know jack about it

this ain’t no birthday cake

it ain’t sweet but it’s stale

nobody’s singing happy birthday

them so-called presents ain’t for you

this ain’t no border crossing

don’t bother to try and sneak across

you got no valid papers

you ain’t goin out and you ain’t getting in

this ain’t no Lotto drawing

all them balls got your number

here’s a wad of free tickets

don’t even scratch ‘em, you’re already a winner

this ain’t no commercial message

they ain’t selling nothing here

you won’t hear no cheery jingles

you won’t need no persuading

this ain’t no final interview

don’t bother dressing up

no need to smile and flash your résumé

you’re already ensured a position

this ain’t no military operation

you won’t even need your weapons

you ain’t been trained to get through this

you ain’t got no squad to fight with

this ain’t no wedding reception

you can’t get drunk and spoil her day

don’t matter if you don’t got no ring

this won’t qualify as a honeymoon

this ain’t no family garage sale

leave your junk in the closets

don’t bother laying stuff out real nice

nobody wants that shit, no how

this ain’t no natural disaster

god ain’t smiting them heathen again

stay out of the basement shelter

they’re already tagging your dead body