Criminal Capitalist Success Stories

I sold worthless disaster insurance policies at decaying trailer parks filled with meth labs

My business was chemical disposal but we just dumped the stuff in the woods at night

We bought the insurance policies of desperate cancer victims for pennies on the dollar

Our factory made baby formula from arsenic-tainted well water laced with melamine and chalk

I relieved them of their hard-earned cash by simply playing to their overwhelming greed

I knew about the 300 houses to be built right next door but the good family buyers did not ask

We bought condos with no down payment, rented them out and never paid back a cent

We sealed them in cargo ship freight containers and warned them not to make a sound

I made his martyr video for Allah but somehow the explosive vest detonated early, killing only him

Our miracle fat melting pill sold well until the feds forced us to close down and start over once again

We came up with a clear liquid that we claimed increased gas mileage by 40%

They outlawed exporting raw timber so we just shaved the bark and kept shipping it right on out

I profited selling off tracts in the country’s first national park after all the lumber had been removed

We stole the identities of the homeless whose beating deaths got a paragraph in the paper

We would trick old women into signing house notes that they could never hope to repay

People loved the specials I stirred up using puppies I got for free from the Lost and Found

I specialized in scraping huge fees from other people’s pain and suffering settlements

My firm contracted out insiders and ex-legislators to lobby for any cause that would pay us

We recruited the street corner illegales and shorted them at least 20% every day

We built giant SUVs, ORVs and dirt bikes and proudly said that’s what the people wanted

We made fortunes as military contractors as our government ginned up terrible enemies

We made vast sums on credit cards, steering consumers into negative savings rates

I profited greatly acting as a middleman for those desperate enough to sell their internal organs

We sold patriotic plastic decal flags made at toxic-vapor-filled sweatshops overseas

We moved our 50 year old company’s headquarters to Bermuda to save on taxes

We closed and abandoned our domestic factories leaving behind poisoned messes

We entered bankruptcy so we could renege on all our pension and bond obligations

We outsourced all our production to China but jealously guarded our American brand name

We worked them 14 hours per day for six days every week

We crammed them 20 to a room without any running water

They were exposed to every kind of poisonous industrial chemical there was

We paid off the local officials to allow us to continue dumping every night

We set their goals and just took the profits and later denied any knowledge at our trials

I had another credit card so I kept on playing knowing that my luck would change

Once they declared us too big to fail we knew we were still in the driver’s seat

Our merger formula always included layoffs, benefit cuts, offshoring and fat bonuses for us

I was drinking heavily and could not hold an honest job but then father paid my way into politics

We charged them $1500 to help them with their debts and never talked to them again

I kept my whores high and pimped them until they grew too sickly and unattractive

We did 4 or 5 pyramid schemes and bought a Hummer to pull our big new speed boat

I misappropriated all their donations and blamed it on the fundamentalist insurgents

She would not sleep with me so I had her fired and had them deny her unemployment

My lawyer told them that I welcomed the opportunity to prove my innocence

Industry supporters drafted me a statement calling for further study, which we never did

They had me label them as dead-enders and we continued passing out fat arms contracts

We enriched the dictators as long as they allowed our donors to export their resources

We all made big money ruining their lives with these fancy mortgage derivative schemes

His widow paid me to handle the details so I collected his checks and used up all his credit

Population growth assured us cheap unskilled labor to maintain our artificial prosperity

We became rich heroes burying the country’s best farmland beneath sweatshop factories

We produced nothing but poisonous, throwaway plastic shit, all of it strictly for export

It was cheaper to pay off local officials than to comply with the new environmental regulations

I paid them pennies for their hand work and exhorted them to be proud of their great culture

We hopped gleefully aboard clean energy by re-branding our coal strip-mining solution as green

We had them call for market-driven healthcare but made them disallow volume discounts

We sold their trusting asses guaranteed annuities backed by nothing but our empty advertising

We flooded their valley villages for UN funded hydro but they sold the power to foreign lands

I labeled them as terrorists and split up the aid funds from the CIA among my cronies

We set up customer support so that everyone waited at least 5 minutes, hearing horrible music

We avoided regulation, ran amok and then secured no-string bailouts by blackmailing the markets

We were able to deny responsibility by noting that we had outsourced foreign ingredients

We produced overseas, saving big with fairly good quality and hardly raised our prices

We prospered putting more into advertising and doctor payoffs than researching new drugs

Somehow I landed this cushy liaison job at Exxon-Mobil after my stint over at the EPA

It was sheer genius to call for Personal Responsibility after the layoffs and benefit cancellations

We found that soft music and images of children worked for arms producers as well as candidates

We profited greatly from a green ad campaign, muted packaging and a 25% price increase

We had our political lackeys denounce it as junk science and halt regulation for more research

Our foreign-flagged fleet strip-mined the oceans but our ads showed frolicking dolphins

We convinced them we required massive yearly bonuses to avoid total financial meltdown

We advertised that we fed the world as we drove small farmers to bankruptcy and suicide

I retired rich to my locked compound and supervised the writing of my wise and folksy memoirs